the daily chump

CotD: Former Mrs. Alex Rodriguez

2008-07-07T11:30:00.000-07:00

What an exiting weekend we had. Plenty of Chumpacity, however, today is a new day and this, todays Chumpette is the former Mrs. Alex Rodriguez:

Alex Rodriguez is hands down one of the greatest baseball players of our generation, maybe ever. And this chumpette is filing for divorce? Are you kidding me. People are saying that it is because A-rod is sleeping around with people including Madonna. A-rod's an all star, he could pull all kinds of tail. Why the fuck would he chose a wrinkly old bag of fake accents like Madonna who is 20 years past her expiration date?

I mean really.

Still, even if this was true he fucking A-rod. This guy hits baseballs like Ralph Kramden on "The Honeymooners (google that joke if you don't get it), and shes gonna pick Lenny Kravitz over him just cause he's a little unfaithful. And seriously Lenny Fucking Kravitz. His best song is a shitty remake of an awsome song, and you're gonna pick him over somebody with as many homers as Mickey Mantle? What increadable chumpaliscious chumpism.

CotD Rating: 5 walk off home runs out of 10

CotD: The British

2008-07-04T15:04:00.000-07:00

Today's chump is obviously the British:

Today is Americas birthday (in one sense) but really today marks the historical event of the time we made the Britich people look like gigantic chumps. Until the 1770s fucking with the British was like fucking with Keyser Soze. But then all the sudden America came around and completely chumpitized them by not playing by the rules. They ruffled petticoats, threw tea into harbors dressed as Indians, and murder the fuck out of a lot of british by hiding and shit. For more information see "The Patriot" starring Mel Gibson.

To be fair though they were up against George Washington, a man who could fucking kick you apart. Still today we celebrate one of the greatest chumpversals (when a chumpitizer is turned into a chumpitizee) in history. To be fair the brits have done some awsome stuff with the creation of Rock and Roll and the abolition of dentistry.

Chump Rating: 4 british people cumming out of 10

CotD: Colombian Rebels

2008-07-03T15:26:00.000-07:00

Well, that was a long break.

But were back now, for good, or at least today.

Today's Chumps of the Day are Colombian rebels:

Basically, these chumptastic rebels were tricked by agents disguised as rebels into marching some high profile prisoners out into the jungle where they were put on a helicopter. After the chopper took of the disguised rebels convinced them to give them their guns and then beat the shit out of them, thus freeing the hostages. Wow, what chumpatude. I thought Colombians were supposed to be tough or something. I mean c'mon, Scarface, Blow, Benicio Del Toro in every movie hes ever been in, Colombians are always pushing in peoples shit and generally being completely nuts. You don't fuck with them. But just by putting on fake mustaches and " Che Guevara shirts" (thats actually how they tricked them) they were made into enourmous chumps.

And thus we bestow upon them this CotD award. Good thing that is the only indignity they suffered....

"But not long after the group was airborne, Betancourt turned around and saw the local commander, alias Cesar, a man who had tormented her for four years, blindfolded and stripped naked on the floor."

Ha, ha, ha, wait, WHAT? What the fuck? Ok, new rule:

Colombian Rebels = Chumps, can be fucked with
Columbian Army = Will do fucked up shit to you, not to be fucked with

Chump Rating: 6 Che Guevara Shirts out of 10

"Steve Jobs Is A Paleontologist"

2008-06-18T19:16:00.000-07:00

Oh Snap Son.

2008-05-06T00:19:00.001-07:00

2008-04-30T04:21:00.000-07:00

CotD: Kid who wants to kill Jesus.

Link: http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/04/29/teen.charged.ap/index.html

Today's news brought us this gem of a story, and our second ever chump of the day. This kid who wanted to blow up a school, told the police of his secret master plan to die, go to heaven, and kill Jesus.

WHAT A CHUMP.

This kid really didn't plan this one all the way out. First of all, you aren't going to get to the pearly gates by blowing up our school. You would have to be a good person and do charity and shit. OR, blow up like ten Muslim schools. Maybe he was planning to team up with the devil to kill jesus and ascend the throne of heaven, but everybody knows that the devil is really more into blondes.

His plan had some more flaws though. How the fuck did he think he was going to take on Jesus, ON HIS OWN FUCKING TURF. This guy looks like a Latin King, he should know a thing of two about fuck somebody up. What he should have done is had a friend say he was gonna blow up the school, then, pray really hard that Jesus comes to save everybody, and when he's not looking, fucking shank him in the gut. Boom! Not getting resurrected from that shit!

Chump Rating: 7 chumps out of 10

2008-04-29T22:06:00.000-07:00

That's unfortunate! And self-explanatory.

2008-04-29T12:34:00.000-07:00

Welcome one and all to "the daily chump". Every day we will pick someone we feel has shown the greatest chumpatude, succumbs to the most chumptations, or has accomplished the most chumperific feat of the day. Some might think this award an honor, other a demerit. We take no sides on this issue. We do so, because we are not chumps.